To Feel Both

I haven’t been entirely honest.

Despite what I write,

Or the longings of my heart,

My feelings are quite the opposite.

I don’t always believe life shouldn’t be taken seriously.

Sometimes, I think it should.

I don’t always have faith and pure intent.

Sometimes, I give up.

I don’t always believe in the good.

Sometimes, though briefly,

I would like to set fire to the pains that plague my heart.

Sometimes, I don’t see a bright future and instead,

I see everything that could possibly go wrong. And I give in.

And I dwell. For days. I’m anxious. My mind refuses to comply.

There’s a thorn in my heart and it’s never healed.

There are thistles in my mind that won’t let me see or feel.

And sometimes,

I dwell.

And isn’t that life’s cruel game. To make us feel both. To believe, and at the same time, to despair.

To search for hope,

When there is none.

To learn not to dwell.

That’s what makes me, me. And I will learn to love her. It’s the burden I’ve been born to bear. To constantly search for hope when there is none. To keep moving forward, even when I don’t see the reason.

To be a walking contradiction. To feel both.

It’s in everyone. And it’s ok.